Q&A - What is the difference between a slip, lapse, and relapse?

In this Q&A episode, hosts Justin and Tara discuss the importance of having a common language and vocabulary to use when it comes to important recovery words and definitions.  They discuss importance of having a strong sobriety definition as a basis for recovery that is understood and agreed upon and consider the S.A. Lifeline definitions of the terms trigger, slip, lapse, and relapse, and the key differences between them. These definitions can be found in the S.A. Lifeline publication Understand Pornography Addiction & Betrayal Trauma at salifeline.org.

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Q&A - Recovery Definitions

Tara: [00:00:00] Welcome to the pathway to recovery podcast. I am your host, Tara McCausland. And thanks, Justin, for being here with me.

Justin: Thank you, Tara. I'm happy to be here today.

Tara: We have, I think, what will be a helpful Q&A as an aspect of quality education. We wanted to go over some really critical definitions of words that are fundamental [00:01:00] to recovery work.

We will be discussing things like sobriety and a sobriety definition specific to SA Lifeline and SAL 12 Step. We will also be going over, again, key vocabulary such as what is a trigger? What is a slip? What's the difference between a slip and a lapse and a relapse? I'm excited to get into this.

Justin: Absolutely. 

Tara: We've got our work cut out for us. This is probably a lot for one Q&A, but we're going to give it our best shot. So as I had suggested, we've been talking this month about quality education and having the right vocabulary and the ability to communicate key words, especially with the people closest to us, like our spouse, that are associated with recovery.

Speaking the same language is really, really important because otherwise there's confusion. There's frustration. There may be unspoken expectations because people are walking around with different [00:02:00] definitions of words, and that's not helpful. So we feel like having a similar vocabulary and language around specific terms is really critical and an important part of some of the quality education that we try to provide here at SALifeline Foundation.

So we'll actually be looking at two different publications that we have and I'll tell you more about where we're finding these. The first is called Understanding Pornography Addiction and Betrayal Trauma. You can find this on our website. It's a digital resource as well as a print resource that you can purchase. We’ll also be using the sobriety definition in our SAL book. 

So to start, you're going to go to a 12 step group and find a unique sobriety definition. Why do you think it's important to get clear on the sobriety definition and make sure that [it] aligns with your values going in?

Justin: Yeah. Thank you for asking that, Tara. I have a couple of quick [00:03:00] answers to that one. One, it's very important that the group have a, in my opinion, the group have a unified sobriety definition. Because if I'm a member of the group and I've got another brother over here that sits across the room or across the Zoom window from me in the group, and I understand sobriety is one thing and that person understands sobriety is a completely different thing, it's not conducive to unity in the group. If somebody over there says, “Oh, it's okay if I masturbate as long as they don't look at porn,” or “If I only look at porn and don't masturbate, it's okay, I'm still sober that way,” that just causes all sorts of confusion in the group and in the individual, torn within himself. So I find that it's super important to have that. And I love the SAL’s and SA Lifeline’s sobriety definition. It’s pretty specific in the verbiage of it. So that is my thoughts on that.

Tara: Yeah. And so our sobriety definition really [00:04:00] is our foundation, our baseline, right? 

What does abstinence from this behavior look like? Because you will find very different definitions based on the 12 step group you attend. And we will say that SAL 12 steps’ sobriety definition is a bit more robust than other groups that you might find. It’s a little bit more clear and I think it honors the marriage relationship more than others. And so I wanted to read this definition and then let Justin comment on any aspect that you want to, Justin.

So SAL 12 steps sobriety definition is, and this is found on page 117 in our SAL book: “Sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self, not pursuing actions of lust, such as using pornography and having no form of sex with anyone other than spouse. Our goal is to live in recovery, to practice [00:05:00] positive sobriety, and to choose to actively surrender lust in all its forms to the God of our understanding.”

So anything that jumps out that you'd like to comment on, Justin? 

Justin: Yeah, a couple of the phrases and words within our SAL 12 step definition of sobriety that really hit me are, “...no form of sex with self.” You know, I can justify that all day long. “Hey, I didn't,” and I'm going to be fairly graphic, “I didn't climax, so that didn't count,” or you know, whatever.

Those are some things that it talks about there. It kind of specifies things. “Or anyone else,” no form of sex with anyone else other than the spouse. It's within a committed marriage relationship. And I love how it's pointed out that way. Now that may seem a little bit prudish to some people.

But I love that it recognizes that lust can happen anywhere. And honestly, it can even happen in the marriage bed with the spouse. [00:06:00] So there needs to be some interpretation, self interpretation, and help from a sponsor or maybe a therapist to help figure out, okay, how can this look healthy?

But those are some of the things that I love, and I love that it identifies pornography specifically because other groups don't use the word in their sobriety definitions. That really clarifies things for me. 

Tara: And I like that you point out that, that husband and wife need to get really clear within their relationship. Again, what does this really mean? What does this look like? So that this can be a strong baseline to move forward from. If you don't know, or if you disagree upon your definition of sobriety or abstinence in your marriage relationship, you're really, I mean, recovery work is already an uphill climb, but you're going to be butting heads if you cannot agree upon what abstinence looks like.

Justin: Absolutely. And I think we're going to address this in a future episode, healthy sexuality within marriage. But [00:07:00] yeah, we'll talk a lot about that in the future, I'm sure. 

Tara: Yeah. And so using the sobriety definition kind of as a jumping point, again, as a baseline to measure by - some of these key definitions that we wanted to go over were again, trigger and what's the difference between also a slip, a lapse, and a relapse? 

Specifically the slip, lapse, and relapse - those can really, if there is any muddiness around what those definitions are, what those words mean, there's a lot of heartache associated with miscommunication or different expectations around that. 

So, on page one 53, from our Understanding Pornography Addiction and Betrayal Trauma manual, we have definitions of words and terms relating to sexual addiction. So that's where this is coming from. But this first one that I wanted to read was about how we often talk in recovery about triggers. What is a trigger? Because sometimes it [00:08:00] might be overused. So let's get clear on that.

So a trigger is, according to SAL Lifeline, an event, thought, image, dream, environment, sounds, or a host of other things, which when encountered may prompt addict behavior and/or acting out behavior. And I want to also mention that a trigger is also a word that the betrayed might use and a trigger for a betrayed individual might be an event, thought, or image, dream that makes the trauma bubble up, so to speak. So any thoughts about trigger? Any commentary about that, Justin?

Justin: Yeah. This word is one that, yes, triggers are a real thing. But one thing that I've come to realize in my life is that life is a trigger. I can be anywhere, anytime, anywhere, doing anything. I can be in the holiest of holy places or the deepest darkest place and a trigger can happen. It's just how I respond to [00:09:00] it. That's what recovery is about - learning how to respond healthily to a trigger. Just because a trigger happens does not mean I'm a bad person, that my mind was in a bad place. A trigger happens no matter how solid I am in recovery.

It's still going to happen. I'm going to have a trigger and that's something that's really important to recognize whether I'm an addict in recovery or whether I'm a spouse in recovery from betrayal trauma. A trigger is going to happen, whether I'm in a good place or not. 

Tara: I love that because I think sometimes we want to believe that we can have a trigger free life or a trigger free environment. And you're absolutely right. We can be triggered by so many different things. I often hear from women, like, “Oh, I was in a meeting and that was triggering to me, like the language in the book or whatever.” 

And we want to be sympathetic and empathetic to the reality that sometimes language is triggering to the betrayed or for the addicted. You know, there are certain environments that are really [00:10:00] challenging. And we know best what particular environments are very triggering and to avoid those, but we cannot whitewash our world and have it trigger free. And so we have to then be able to, in recovery, recognize, “Okay, what now?” and “What are my tools so that I can get back into a place of serenity?”

Justin: Absolutely. Yeah. 

Tara: We won't say any more about that just for the sake of time. But let's move to the next word we wanted to define, which is slip. Do you want to read the definition of that?

Justin: Yeah, thank you, Tara. I'm happy to read that. Slip, and this is from that same page that was referenced earlier. “Accidental exposure to a triggering event which is then acted on by choosing to pursue addict behavior and or acting out behavior or trauma behavior, then acknowledging the behavior to one's sponsor within a predetermined window of time. The sooner the acknowledgement happens to the actual behavior the [00:11:00] better, but no more than 24 hours.”

I'll jump in here and talk a little bit about this. I love how we just go right up here, “accidental exposure to a triggering event,” which actually means life. Life happens. Now, just because I have an accidental exposure to a triggering event does not mean that I've slipped. The next phase is, then I act on it by choosing to pursue some addictive behavior.

Now, I'm not pursuing it to the boundaries or the definition of sobriety that we've just talked about. I'm taking a second look. I'm letting my thoughts linger on what I saw. I'm not turning away and walking away immediately. I'm drinking it in for just a minute. And that's the definition of a slip for me.

Then I need to reach out and talk to somebody. I talk to my sponsor, I talk to my spouse, whatever the agreement is in my marriage - “Hey, if you have a slip, you need to talk to me within 24 hours.” I need to do that with my spouse because then it's just a slip. There's no need to reset my [00:12:00] sobriety date for something like that. There's no need to do anything other than say, “Hey, this happened,” and be honest about it. 

Tara: I think the emphasis on the accidental exposure, [is] no one was seeking it out. You're right, it's just living life. But then choosing to pursue the behavior to some degree, we acknowledge and we reach out, we connect with our sponsor, with our spouse, and we are transparent and honest, right? 

So that's going to move us into talking about ;apse, which I will go ahead and read here. So again, recognizing a slip is accidental exposure to a triggering event. “A lapse is willfully choosing to pursue addict behavior or acting out behavior and acknowledging the behavior to one’s sponsor within a predetermined window of time. The sooner the acknowledgement happens to the actual behavior, the better, but no [00:13:00] more than 24 hours.”

So for you again, what's the difference there? 

Justin: Yeah, for me, the difference is a lapse can spring from a trigger but if I, if let's say I'm on social media and I choose to take a couple of clicks and go down a path that I know is going to lead me somewhere and I choose to do that. I want to add to this. I act out. I watch pornography. I masturbate. I go outside of the bonds of marriage and whatever boundary that has been set up by me, my sponsor, my spouse, whatever that is - this is a no go. I choose to go across that line, but then I'm honest about it and I say, “I did this.”

And I'm honest now, my understanding is yes, my date of sobriety needs to reset then, but if I get right back up on the horse and I continue moving in recovery. If that's a one time thing, it doesn't happen regularly, whatever I can, I'm still [00:14:00] considered in a recovery mindset. As long as I move forward; that's my take on that and the difference between a slip and a lapse.

Tara: And you were saying beforehand something that I think is really critical. If we're lapsing every week, what's the problem?”

Justin: If I'm lapsing every week, no matter how “honest" or verbally honest I'm being with my spouse, with my sponsor, whatever, I'm not being honest with myself or with my higher power because I'm not changing.

And that's what recovery is all about, is changing, becoming a new creature, a new person. And when I mess up, I move forward and I don't go back to that same behavior. But if I'm lapsing every week, every other week, or there's a pattern of once every, you know, 30 days or 60 days, I'm not living in recovery.

Those are relapses - in other words, what I'm saying is, because there's not honesty to self and to God in that. 

Tara: [00:15:00] Do you think then, if someone's lapsing weekly, every other week, even monthly, might we suggest that they take a better look at their bottom lines and their boundaries and see if they're being consistent with those? Or do you think that plays a role? 

Justin: Yeah, I always do a dissection or I can't remember what the word is, a post mortem with sponsees and people that I talk to after they relapse. And I work back from step 12 down to step 1. Where did you take your will back? Where did this go wrong? And we really dig into it. What happened? Why did you feel like you could take your will back and make that decision? And there's always a way to figure out where that happened. 

Tara: Well, so finally, we've defined slip and lapse. And then the final one on our continuum is the full on relapse.

Would you like to read that definition, Justin? 

Justin: “Willfully choosing to [00:16:00] pursue addict behavior and or acting out behavior and then hiding, lying or failing to honestly disclose the lapse to one’s sponsor within a predetermined window of time.” And I can add in there, one spouse within a predetermined window of time if your spouse and you have the agreement that you will share when there is an issue.

And my take on this is it's all about the honesty part. I mean, we've done a few different episodes and conversations on rigorous honesty. If I'm not being rigorously honest in an acting out or in a pursuing lust situation, I'm not in a recovery mindset and that is a relapse. This includes, a resetting of sobriety date, which includes whatever consequences may be laid out by a sponsor/sponsee relationship or a spouse relationship. Maybe there've been boundaries set that if this happens, choices need to be made. So yeah, that's my take on that. 

Tara: Yeah. Thank you. [00:17:00] Well, thank you to our listeners for being here. We really hope that this was helpful and we want to reiterate that quality education is just so critical on the pathway to recovery.

If we don't have good education, we just don't have a good foundation to work from. We hope to continue to produce quality education, and we hope that you will use what we already have available. Again, you can find that at salifeline.org - the manual and the SAL book that we were reading from today. But thanks again for being here with us today, we'll catch you next time. [00:18:00]