The Recovery Puzzle: A Willing Heart w/ Irvin S

Justin B. has an insightful conversation with Irvin S, a sex addict living in recovery, about his experiences with obtaining, applying, and maintaining a willing heart to heal his family.  We review the SA Lifeline Recovery Puzzle and discuss how a willing heart must include the following:  Humility, Rigorous Honesty, Accountability, Commitment, and Seeking Spiritual Connection. Irvin shares some miraculous and touching stories of the healing and connection that becoming willing to do and live the principles of 12 Step recovery have had in his family. 

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Transcript

Irvin S - Willing Heart

[00:00:00] Justin B:  Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery podcast, a production of SALifeline Foundation. My name is Justin B. I am a sex addict living in long-term recovery, and grateful to be one of the hosts of this podcast.

Today I'm sitting down with one of my good friends in recovery, Irvin S, and he's going to be talking to us a little bit about the willing heart and the SALifeline Recovery Puzzle Model. But before we get into the willing heart I just want to welcome you, Irvin.

[00:00:31] Irvin S: Thank you. Thank you, Justin. My name is Irvin S. I'm a recovering sex addict, and my sobriety date is October 30th, 2021. My primary forms of acting out are pornography, masturbation, and fantasy. Glad to be here, Justin.

[00:00:49] Justin B: So, Irvin, tell us a little bit about yourself. Just a little background information about you and how you eventually came into the rooms of SALL 12 step. 

[00:01:00] Irvin S: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I guess I'll start with my profession. I'm an automation engineer, Justin. I like to make things work. I like to put my hands on things, and that has been most of my life. You know, everything that I like to do has to do with feel and touch. It was like that growing up. I spent a lot of time playing with toys.

I was a little kid and it was just enjoyable for me to live in that fantasy. You know, with time that didn't turn out to be the greatest thing. I think I felt I needed to connect with people from a young age, but I just felt better with things than with people.

I am married at this point. I have a three year old and a seven month old baby. They are the fuel of my life at this point. So what got me into the [SA Lifeline 12 Step] rooms was myself. I got myself rolling down into a mess of selfishness where I wouldn't care about myself or the people around me. And you know, with time the lies that I would tell people just to keep them around, especially my wife, eventually unfolded and she found out about my addiction multiple times.

And I lied about it. I wouldn't be honest with her, because I didn't want to quit. I just wanted to hide it. I'm addicted to sex and pornography and fantasy. Eventually somehow, she ran into a SAL link and she said maybe you should try this at one point.

And I just went to the rooms and I would hide. It was with video, it was online and this was just when Covid was on. It’s like 2020. And, I would just hide in the background, I tried to blur myself, wouldn't participate, but I would listen. I would hear what other people had to say. And I started to realize that a lot of the things that this so-called sex addict would say resonated so much with myself that it was like, yeah, maybe there's something here. And I kept going back. That's a little bit of my background. 

[00:03:42] Justin B: That leads into a follow up with me. You know, you said you came into the rooms; you hung out, maybe off camera or didn't participate other than listening in. How long was it, between the time you first came into the rooms of SAL12 step, and I'm assuming in that, is that the first time you'd ever been into a 12 step group?

Irvin S: Yeah, that's right. 

Justin B: So how long were you hanging around until you went, “Okay, I need to start participating, or I need to take the next step?” How long did that take before the decision? 

[00:04:17] Irvin S:  It took about 10 months for me to realize that I needed to  give in order to receive. I needed to take action, even if that was to read a paragraph at one of the meetings, to get my face out there. Maybe get people to want to talk, because I would complain a lot about nobody's [trying to] reach out to me. I don't get any phone calls. I'm trying, I'm reaching out to people. They don't call back. 

And I realized I was a picture on the wall in the meetings. I wasn't sharing anything. I was just there as a checklist. Something in me did feel that I needed to be there. But yeah, I wasn't really engaged in participating and that reflected itself into how people treated me.

So it took about 10 months and a pretty bad relapse for me to realize that when I needed to engage and take action. 

[00:05:17] Justin B: So, it took you about 10 months to engage. I think this kind of leads into the topic of having a willing heart. What do you think made you willing to be able to go on camera, willing to read a paragraph, willing to maybe share, willing to reach out to more people? What do you think it was that was the straw that broke the camel's back to make you willing to do those things? 

[00:05:40] Irvin S: It was a combination of things, I think. Around that time when I started into the SAL rooms, I was sober. I wasn't acting out because that was the commitment I made.

You know, I'm in the rooms and I'm going to prove to myself and to my wife that I don't need this program. I'm still going to go because I don't need it. I'm too good at life, right? And little by little you would see my history on my Explorer or on my YouTube starting to shift a little bit and start to see things that were a little bit more explicit, girls and dancing and stuff.

It's like, “Oh yeah, you know, that's not quite pornography.” Just little by little, little by little for months and months until I acted out. And it didn't feel right because I was trying, as hard as I possibly could, to stay away from lusting and masturbation and all this addiction.

I was trying. I still noticed how I was drifting, but I think I was blind to myself. I was deceiving myself, to the point that I wouldn't really notice and I would continue on just little by little until I acted out. And really just seeing how, as hard as I tried, I couldn't beat lust.

It just beat me, broke my ego and my pride because during my entire life I was in control, right? I was the leader, the owner of my life, the king of my life. Everything that I put my desires and thoughts into I would normally obtain. And with lust, it wasn't like that. It was like, “I really can't do this.”

I'm telling you this and I'm not in tears or anything, but that day that I realized the catastrophe or that defeat was not pleasant. Was not pleasant. I wept and this was the first time that I went to my wife, being honest and saying, “You know, I acted out and I really can't do this. I don't know how to do this.”

And that gave me the willing heart, just that broken, broken spirit. I suppose it dented my heart pretty well, that I couldn't do it on my own. And because I had been to the rooms, I didn't need to believe too much that some people can in fact overcome lust.

Because in step two, we come to believe. I didn't even have to believe. I was seeing people, I didn't need any faith. I was seeing people that had figured this out. And that's when I reached out. I decided to go back to the room with all my pain and with my defeat to see if I could also, like those people, find a true answer to the loss and all the suffering.

[00:09:15] Justin B: Thank you for sharing that, Irving. There's some really good stuff here and what I want to do is, I want to backtrack just a hair here. Your story just leads right into a couple of the pieces of the SA Lifeline Recovery Puzzle. And I want to kind of describe that, share that with the people who will be listening.

If you aren't familiar with what the SA Lifeline Recovery Puzzle looks like, you can find it at SALifeline.org. I'll put a direct link in the show notes to it. I'm going to kind of try and describe it a little bit. You got the willing heart as the centerpiece of this puzzle. Surrounding that are five puzzle pieces that connect into the willing heart.

We've got rigorous honesty, we've got humility. You're humble. We've got seeking spiritual connection, we've got committed and we've got accountable. And then surrounding those five pieces are four other puzzle pieces that help complete it. We’ve got boundaries and bottom lines for safety.

We've got qualified therapy, SAL 12 step work, which is a little bit what we're talking about here, and quality education. But I want to jump to a couple things that you shared here, Irving. You said  you got to the point where you realized you couldn't do it. It was humbling when that happened. It wasn't a choice to be humble. You were humbled, you were brought into humility. Tell us a little bit about that humility, a little bit more about how that opened your heart and made it a little bit more willing. 

[00:10:37] Irvin S: Yeah, absolutely. And looking back, I do feel that God took me; He brought me to my knees that day. I needed that. The humility comes because I had no pride left. Because I was prideful to that point that I could achieve what I put my mind to, except this thing. It's annoying my wife so much and it's destroying my marriage. I couldn't beat it. I tried. I tried, but I couldn't. And just the fact that I couldn't was really humbling. It's like this keeps beating me up. But I had to be honest that it was my own doing. 

[00:11:29] Justin B: So, we just hit on two of those [puzzle pieces]. Humility, bringing you to your knees, and then being willing to be honest. There's rigorous honesty right there. I remember the first time that I, in a 12 step group said, “I'm Justin. I think I'm an addict and I am definitely a big fat liar.”

And as I said those things, this weight came off my shoulders. It was almost tangible. I could almost feel it happening at the moment. When you told your wife, “Hey, I can't beat this thing. I don't know what to do.”- how did that make you feel initially and how did things change from that moment?

[00:12:04] Irvin S: Yeah, that's a good question. When that moment came, it was like you describe it. I imagined I was carrying weights, just like you’re describing, on my shoulders. And, finally I'm able to really just let go and admit and take in that I need help. I need help. I don't know how to figure this out. 

It felt, I don't want to say a relief, it wasn't really a relief, but it felt like an open door. Like when you're working to solve an equation or something like this and you give up and you have tried everything to try. That means you're one thing away from finding the right answer.

That's how it felt, like maybe I need to ask some other people about this. It felt like a door opened and it felt hopeful because I was already in the rooms, like I was telling you and I had seen people do this. I needed to know how and that gave me the push that I needed in that regard.

[00:13:26] Justin B: Thank you. So we've got humility, we've got rigorous honesty. I want to talk about one of the other pieces here, accountability. So you've been broken. You've admitted that you're powerless. How do you, or how did you initially achieve accountability? How did you have an accountable situation and how did that help you in this process?

[00:13:50] Irvin S: Yeah, the accountability part for me took a while. It didn't come right away. Because after that, I got a sponsor and he gave me structure and he gave me things to do that would get me closer to being more honest, being more open to connecting more with people.

It was up to me to do those things, to get me closer to my higher power in the end and have those spiritual experiences. But it was up to me to continue to take action while I waited for the spiritual experience. And it didn't happen right away. I'd fail many times on the assignments and on my journaling and noticed that when I wasn't moving forward and taking action - what's the word I'm looking for?

Something set me back or I guess reminded me of where I came from and helped me take more responsibility. It's like if I stop journaling just one day of this week, I won't get to process those thoughts and it's just going to be back to not journaling maybe for a couple of days. Did I get back on track? I need to be  more responsible about this. So that took a long time. I want to say it took at least six months, maybe even more than that, just continuously realizing that not doing certain things would affect me negatively. 

[00:15:26] Justin B: Yeah. Man, and I think that goes along with this next piece. I actually want to sit on accountability here for just a minute. You mentioned journaling. How does journaling keep you accountable to yourself? I think you touched on it a little bit, but I want to drill down a little bit more. Because while journaling in and of itself is not like a requirement of SAL 12 step, some sponsors say, “Hey, keep a journal and here's why.” So tell us why that works for you to stay accountable. 

[00:15:53] Irvin S: You know, journaling helps me with step 10. It helps me review my day and it helps me see the highlights of my day, honestly looking at them and then writing them down. Sometimes I write them down and it's like, “No, that doesn't feel right. That's not the right thing. This was it.”

It allows me to go through my day and just review it. Then see how I can be a little bit better tomorrow. That's the one part. And then the other part is that I have a person on the other side of this journal, and that's my sponsor. I read these things and they're sent to him, and that keeps me also accountable. 

Because sometimes he would see whatever it is I'm writing and say, “Maybe there's a blind spot here.” Or, you know, “Good luck with this thing.” It all comes together to keep me reviewing myself. 

[00:16:50] Justin B: Yeah. You know, one of my mentors in recovery taught me this concept that more light comes through two windows than through one.

And I think that's kind of what you're talking about here. If I'm writing in my journal, I'm seeing the light that's coming through my window and I'm seeing it on the paper or as I write it or on the screen, as I type it. But if I'm sharing it with somebody else and they're on my side, they're able to see it from a different angle, and you get more light coming in through those two windows and more can be seen.  

I've got blind spots like crazy all over in my life. And as I journal and as I share my journal with those that I do, oftentimes I'll get a response saying, “Hey Justin, there's this going on here. What's happening? What do we need to talk about?” And I think that's something really helpful for me in that accountability part. You also mentioned that it took six months or even more of striving to do the daily things, the daily accountability. And that takes some real commitment, especially from addicts, at least like me, I'll speak for myself, to be committed to something like that for six months.

And well, for me it's one day at a time and I say for the rest of my life, at least for today. What obstacles do you have to get over to remain committed to that process of recovery?

[00:18:11] Irvin S: I had to get myself out of the way. I had to sacrifice sleep in order to journal because that's when I have the most peace around the house. It’s waking up early or before I go to bed. That's when it's peaceful and I had to sacrifice whatever else it is that I was doing in those times, whether it was sleeping or watching a show, it had to be sacrificed. It had to go. And that took some serious commitment. Sometimes you're watching and you're binging and you don't want to let it go. Well, I had to because if I stopped journaling, things revolved back down into the darkness,into the lust.

[00:18:58] Justin B: Had you ever journaled before working recovery, had you ever kept a journal at any time in your life? 

[00:19:04] Irvin S: No. tI was girly. That's all I knew about journaling. That's what the girls did.

[00:19:08] Justin B: Yes. 

[00:19:11] Irvin S: Not anymore. 

[00:19:12] Justin B: So that took a willing heart to try that out too, huh? 

[00:19:16] Irvin S: Yeah. Yeah. I was very willing at that point.

[00:19:20] Justin B: Thank you for sharing that. One more piece on the inner part of the puzzle here that I really want to touch on is seeking spiritual connection. Irving, what has your spiritual connection looked like throughout your life and how has that changed in the last while since you've been actively working recovery? 

[00:19:38] Irvin S: I was raised Catholic, so I used to go to Saturday church lessons throughout my youth. I would learn the stories, about some stories about the Bible. I was very young, nothing very serious there. But I had some familiarity with religion.

In my teenage years,  I didn't want anything to do with religion. I didn't believe it. You know, there's no proof. I was a rebel, against religion with no reason at all, really. Just being a teenager, I guess, and I hadn't found anyone who would give me answers or find my rock bottom back then.

Yeah, and then that was me from my early teenage years till maybe four years ago. Well, maybe a little longer than that, but yes, then I started going to church again and, when I was in church, I would feel like I belonged. I would feel the connection.

I liked the spirituality but I didn't know God. It wasn't really till I got to know Him really well because I needed to know Him after realizing that that's what other people did in these steps. To find a spiritual connection is to get to know God better.

And after cleaning my perspectives with him and my preconceived negative things about Him. After I cleaned all that up, then I was able to continue to read scripture, read what other people had to say about God, educated people like Tony Evans maybe talk directly to my pastors and some other members in the group. 

And getting to know more about Jesus and more about God has been absolutely amazing because it is having light, having answers for human nature, and also having been cleansed of all your sins.

You still sin and then He still forgives you. And just that cycle of your own surrendering and resurrecting into a better you on a daily basis, maybe multiple times a day. It's just been amazing. I wouldn't change it for anything. I think that answered your question.

[00:22:28] Justin B: That's beautiful. Thank you. You know, the tagline of the SAL book and of SA Lifeline Foundation is “recovering individuals, healing families.” Now, Irving, you've talked a little bit about your personal individual recovery here. In this process of the willing heart, what has your willing heart brought about in the healing of your family? How has that looked? 

[00:22:51] Irvin S: Yeah. Really good question. Well, because I was very controlling when I was going after lust and I realized with SAL steps, I realized that that was a character defect of mine trying to control things. Well, I was controlling and maybe sometimes even manipulating other people, including my wife. And a lot of times I would just get in her way because I'm just trying to control, I want my outcome. I wouldn't let her be her and do the things that she needed to do to live her own full life. I would get in her way. And nowadays I'm able to, most times, right? If I'm in serenity and not in control and let her go through her own emotions and not try to suppress her, then she can develop herself in her own way - which is exactly what she needs. It's just to continue to develop herself forever. 

And nowadays, I won't, or at least I will try not to place burdens, unnecessary suffering and unnecessary burdens onto her that are my responsibility. Things like missing an appointment for whatever and then having her try to remake that appointment. And I know it sounds like a mundane example, but that's a lot of my life. I let things drop and then she's got to pick up the pieces. That's a lot of my life, and that took a lot from her because I wouldn't take responsibility for anything.

Well, nowadays I take responsibility. She doesn't have to deal with the messes I make. I go ahead and clean 'em up before she even has to do anything with it, and then she can do her own things. That's one example with my wife. And then the same thing happens with my kids. I just get out of the way.

[00:25:02] Justin B: That's beautiful. Now, I want to invite you to share a little bit about what you said, that you've got a three year old and like a seven month old child. I know that your three-year-old has observed you getting into serenity as you do your morning routine connecting with God. Tell me a little bit about what that means to you and what that means to your three-year-old child. 

[00:25:29] Irvin S: You're touching a nerve. Yeah, I usually wake up before everybody's up and I do my morning prayers and now in the summer, the sun is out earlier than usual, and Amaya's waking up earlier than usual. She's up at 5:30 am, 5: 45, she is already up. And a lot of times she would come downstairs and she would find me. It's prayer time and it's a great thing that she finds me doing this because I invite her in.

I invite her in. I don't stop, and quit what it is that I'm doing. I invite her in and she gets to pray with me. And sometimes she participates. Sometimes if I say her name, she'll correct me during the prayer and she'll say like, “No, I'm Cinderella.” “Okay, Cinderella.”

And it's just a great time. It's a great time that we get to be together. And I say that you're touching a nerve because now my schedule at work has changed. I have to wake up even earlier, so she's no longer there. And now I miss her. I miss having her in my morning routine and coming downstairs and interrupting and joining in. It's great. It's just great to have her around. 

[00:26:58] Justin B: That’s a beautiful, beautiful story. I'm almost jealous that I don't have little ones like that. My kids, my youngest is 16 and during the summer, she sleeps way later than I'm up. You know, I don't even see her half the day. But to have those opportunities to share with such a young child. The connection that you are seeking with God, and inviting them into that process is, it's miraculous. It's something that I think will pay dividends for generations and not just for Amaya's childhood. What a beautiful thing.

So with the willing heart topic here, I want to read a couple of things from the SALifeline website and then have you comment on those a little bit. This also comes out of page 83 of the AA book, but I'm going to read this paragraph and you tell me a little bit about your experience with it.

“Willing Heart: recovery revolves around a willing heart. When we choose to have a willing heart, we finally let go of all of the facades and justifications. Counterintuitively, this letting go does not bring feelings of despair. Instead, we begin to see it as the golden doorway to hope. It is our experience that no matter how bleak our circumstances may be, with a willing heart, living in recovery is possible.” 

[00:28:28] Irvin S: Yeah, that's really how it is. The willingness to continue to strive for your own recovery and for your connection with your higher power is what keeps me going. There are other pieces to it like having boundaries and having a support network, but without your willingness...  If I take a step back, the way I look at it is, now that I went through the experience we talked about earlier with where my ego broke and I was willing, I was finally willing.

Now I can look back and say, when I'm struggling, think and feel and say, “I don't want to go back there again. I'm willing to do what it takes to go up, to go this way, to continue to aim for improvement.” And that's the door that remains open and that I have to keep reopening every day - just being willing. I resonate with that a lot. 

[00:29:37] Justin B: Yeah, I love that imagery of the golden doorway to hope that is listed there too. You know, sometimes for me to find that golden doorway, that I would think should be shining bright so that I can see it right there means I got to walk down a dark hallway towards it with faith. And hope that when I get down the end of that dark hallway that there is a door at the end, and that when I open that door, there will be some light that comes out and invites me in.

I think, for me, this goes back to my early days in the humbling of my person, of myself. Jordan Peterson says this, he says, “The thing that you want the most, you have to go to the place that you least want to go in order to find that thing.”

What I eventually wanted the most was a connection with my wife, a connection with my children, a connection with my God, as opposed to a connection with an object, with something that was unattainable, with something that really wasn't mine at all or wasn't connected with me at all. But when I went down that dark hallway and knocked on that door, and it opened up, the light came through and it was a beautiful experience. What are your thoughts on what I just shared?

[00:31:01] Irvin S: I agree. That's a great quote from Jordan. There really is, at least to me, I didn't know this at the time, when you’re going through the step four inventory, you go to really dark places from your past, from your present.

And really dig into that. It's not pleasant. It's not pleasant. But once you do, once you go through that and then you see the pattern, it's like, yes, that is, you change direction. Do this instead, try this, and then you actually try it. Then I think that's when you actually go through that tunnel like you're saying, and then find recovery. Find safety. Find peace. 

[00:31:50] Justin B: So Irvin, as you are currently living in this promised, generally happy, joyous, and free way of living in recovery, what meaning do you find as you try to give back in recovery to others who are groping their way down this dark hall right now?

[00:32:10] Irvin S: Yeah, sponsoring is a big deal. It keeps me somewhat accountable because if I want to be able to help my sponsees, I have to myself be healthy and be in recovery. Otherwise, you can't share what you don't have, and it gives me purpose. It gives me purpose in life, just to know that I will be useful, my story would be useful to other guys that are still suffering, the people who are still lost.

In that part of sin it gives me hope. It gets me going really, and it takes me away from thinking about myself all the time. I start to worry about them a little bit. It's no longer about me all day and my problems and my things. I think about other people and that's a good exercise for my brain to not just focus on myself. It's great. Sponsoring is great. 

[00:33:15] Justin B: Thanks for sharing about getting out of yourself and not trying to keep everything to yourself. Oftentimes I see, or I've been tempted to do this, “Hey, I've figured this out. Now I'm just going to go and live my life and think that everything's good. I never have to think about it again.”

And for me, there's no quicker way. Having to think about it again, because I've messed up, you know that giving back really makes a huge difference. So, Irvin, is there anything else you feel like you want to share about the Willing Heart and those puzzle pieces around it before we start closing up this conversation?

[00:33:58] Irvin S: We've said a lot. It's a good thing to decide, if you're still suffering, to decide that now is the moment you change things for yourself. It's a great thing to be defeated in that way because it opens doors that you have no idea of how much your life and the life of the people around you can change for the better.

For those who still suffer, if you feel like you may be at your rock bottom or close to the rock bottom, decide it. Decide it. Reach out to somebody. Get a temporary sponsor. Talk to them. Tell 'em what's going on. Get to action. Work the steps. That's the last piece I would put on there.

[00:34:55] Justin B: Thank you so much for that. And for my final wrap up questions, we'll touch a little bit on what you just shared there. What advice would you give to somebody who is just now starting this path? This is their first time ever entering a 12 step room. First time ever saying, “Man, I've got a problem and I'm willing to at least go into a room of recovery and see what this is about.” What advice would you give that person? 

[00:35:20] Irvin S: Do it, go into the room. Go in, and don't be afraid. The people in the room are going to be very welcoming because it is part of our steps to help you feel like you belong and understand the things that we understood at some point. So reach out. If you go to a room, don't be afraid to reach out, talk to the people next to you. Tell them, “Hey, it's my first day.” Let them know. Put yourself out there. I think that's priceless.

That first connection that you make will make the second one a little bit easier. And then the third one will be a little bit easier. And then the fourth one, so you feel comfortable sharing with people. And that's what's going to keep you away from isolation. Just being in isolation will keep you lost. And we don't want to be there. We want to be in connection with others. That's what's one of the important pieces that will keep us healthy. So yeah, do it. Jump on it. 

[00:36:25] Justin B: Thank you so much, Irvin. The final question I have for you at least, I think it's the final one, we'll see, is what about somebody who's been in the rooms for a long time and just kind of hanging out?

Now you said you hung out for about 10 months before really jumping in. What would you tell the old timer that's just hanging out and then the old timer who may be feeling like the program's getting stale? What would you share with those types of people? 

[00:36:50] Irvin S: You know, if it's getting stale, you're not working it right. This stuff is an adventure. Once you're honest enough and you start applying this stuff to everything in your life, it's just an adventure. You're letting go of things that you can't control and letting go of the outcome. Like who does that?

We do it in faith, in faith that is for the best. That's what God wants. That's what my higher power wants. So I'm going to do that. It's always an adventure. So I would say, if it doesn't feel that way, reach out to the people who still have the spark and ask them directly, “How are you doing it?” You know, start. If you're not sponsoring, start sponsoring - that would be a big deal too.

[00:37:40] Justin B: Beautiful. I love that. And our Step 12 reads, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all aspects of our lives.”

It's not just in recovery, it's in everything, just like what you were sharing there. Irvin, thank you so much for sharing that. I really appreciate it. 

Everybody, we’ll catch you here next time. And stay on this path. It's a beautiful place to be, to recover individuals and heal families.