Q&A - Should I call it sexaholism or sex addiction and why does my sobriety definition matter?

In this episode, hosts Tara McCausland and Justin B.  explore a listener's question about the distinction between calling oneself a sexaholic versus a sex addict, and the implications of that decision. The discussion delves into the SAL definition of sobriety, highlighting the importance of personal values in determining what terms and definitions one chooses to embrace for successful recovery.  Justin shares a personal account of seeking loopholes in sobriety definitions and the dangers it posed to his recovery. 

Transcript

Q&A - Should we call it sexaholism or sex addiction? 

Tara: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery podcast. I am Tara McCausland, and I'm here with my wonderful co-host, Justin B. Hey, Justin. Good to have you. 

Justin: Hey, Tara. Thank you. I'm happy to be here today 

Tara: And thank you to our listeners for being here. As Justin mentioned in our last episode we are excited about our one year birthday or one year anniversary coming up for the [00:01:00] Pathway to Recovery podcast. And we just invite you to pause this episode and if you're listening on an Apple device, go and write a review for this podcast. You can work your 12th step that way iff you are a 12 step goer and share this message with others, because when you write and review, it does actually make this podcast more visible to others looking for this type of content.

So thanks in advance for your help with that. 

Justin: And that's awesome that we've been doing this for a year now. Very cool. 

Tara: I know, right? Time flies 

Justin: And it's been a lot of fun. 

Tara: Yeah. Lots of learning for me. So our Q & A comes from a listener in Lithuania. So thank you to this listener for this question. 

Justin: How cool is that, Lithuania! 

Tara: But his question actually revolved around, well, I'll read a little bit of this question. He said that the white book talks about sexaholism and calling oneself a sexaholic. And he says, “I have a sponsor that is working the SAL 12 step program and he explained that a sexaholic cannot [00:02:00] control his lust. Any last hit can lead to a life that becomes unmanageable or can lead to death. But for him, a sex addict is addicted and powerless to specific sexual behaviors, but not all of them, meaning that one can still tolerate some lust.” So his question was, “I'd love to hear your perspectives on calling oneself a sexual addict versus a sexaholic, and what are the differences or the advantages and disadvantages of calling oneself a sex addict versus a sexaholic?”

So I felt like that was a good question and we wanted to address that, and we also felt like this would actually merit a review of the S.A.L. sobriety definition because I think how we define sobriety really plays a strong role in our recovery in addition to what we call it, right?

Sexaholism versus sex addiction. So what are your initial thoughts, Justin? 

Juistn: Yeah, I think it's an interesting question. And initially when I heard it, I thought, well, it's just semantics. It means the [00:03:00] same thing, but I think it is really important. Let's go in and define and read what the SAL definition of sobriety is on this and maybe riff off of that. 

And I pulled this out of the 12 tenets of SA. from page 339 of our S.A.L. book, Recovering Individuals, Healing Families. This is tenet number five, and I'll go ahead and read them. 

“SAL 12 Step defines sexual sobriety as follows. Sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self, not pursuing actions of lust, such as using pornography, and having no form of sex with anyone other than the spouse. Our goal is to live in recovery, to practice positive sobriety, and to choose to actively surrender lust in all its forms to the God of our understanding.”

And then there's a little asterisk in there: “the term spouse refers to one's partner in a marriage between a man and a woman.” And that's defined in the SAL definition of sobriety. 

So as I read that, there are a few phrases [00:04:00] and words that really jump out at me to help me better understand what sobriety looks like.

According to SAL and if I am working this program according to me, if I'm bought into it, which I am, one of those is not pursuing actions of lust such as using pornography. Now it's specifically mentioned pornography and it generally mentions other actions of lust. It doesn't identify them specifically but later on in the definition... “choose to actively surrender lust in all its forms to the God of our understanding.”

That's kind of a blanket statement. And so in our definition of sobriety, our pursuit is to practice positive sobriety, to have this progressive, and this is an SAL term, right here, progressive victory over lust. But it is a very powerful definition of what sobriety means in SAL.

And I think it's, for me, it gives me some safety. It gives me some clarity. It gives me a baseline. It gives me [00:05:00] something that I know, “Hey, I'm starting to pursue lust. I need to actively surrender that lust in all its forms, whether it's me scrolling and getting further and further into things that are going to eventually lead somewhere [that] maybe my natural man wants to go, but where I know that I do not want to be. Maybe it's what I'm looking at as I'm driving down the street. Maybe it's, you know, whatever. But I need to be aware of that and actively surrender that in all its forms. What are your thoughts on that, Tara? 

Tara: Yeah, well, I think it's good to acknowledge that in all of the different SA programs, there are a variety of definitions of what sobriety looks like and whether or not they use the term sexaholism or sex addiction.

I think if we're going to be true to ourselves, we need to look at those definitions and see which one am I willing to abide by and buy into, and am I looking for a definition that rings true to [00:06:00] me to my conscience? And as I'm going to the God of my understanding, that feels consistent with what that God wants for me?

I do think that with all of those different definitions, there are some that are tighter than others. And we would say SAL's definition is tighter than some and one difference between the S.A. sobriety definition and our definition is that we do specifically mention pornography and not just the blanket term “pursuing actions of lust.”

I would say it's going back to the question from the fellow from Lithuania, like, whether or not we're going to call ourselves a sexual addict or a sexaholic, I think the more important question to ask yourself is, “Am I willing to abide by this sobriety definition? Have I asked myself, ‘Does this ring true to me, to my values?”

And then am I going to then use that as a really strong baseline boundary or foundation for my recovery journey. Because [00:07:00] I think we could easily latch onto a definition or a term, whether it be sex addiction, sexaholism, sexual compulsion, that maybe provides some loopholes, maybe feels like the easier path to tread.

But we know that this work, if we're going to be successful in our recovery, we can't be looking for loopholes, for reasons to justify. What are your thoughts about that? 

Justin: Absolutely, and if you out there in the listening world are an addict like me, a lustaholic, a sexaholic, a sex addict, a sexual addict, a whatever you want to identify yourself as - if you're one like me, you're going to look for any loophole you can find to say, “Oh, you know what? I can get away with this because it's not specifically laid out.” I'm like the lawyer or maybe not the lawyer. I'm the person who goes and tries to find the loopholes in the law to see what I can get away with. And I'm grateful for the pretty definite definitions that[00:08:00] we have here with SAL.

Tara: Yeah. Only we can answer this question, honestly. If we're looking for the loophole, if there is a hint of, “Oh, that might allow me to justify this bit of...” then we know we're not in a recovery mindset. We have to be just like Brian F. talked about in your last interview. He talked about being willing to go to all lengths, right?

That's step zero. We have to be willing to give it all up in order to heal and recover and have peace. He talked so well about “I'm letting go of the outcome. I'm connecting with God. I'm doing the work and peace is the gift that I'm receiving.”

I just thought that was so powerful. That's what we have to look forward to if we're willing to be true to ourselves and live according to the definition based on my values. Any other thoughts, Justin? 

Justin: Yeah, I'm going to share a personal experience. [00:09:00] My first date of sobriety when I first came into the rooms, over 10 years ago now, was November 1st, 2013.

And I was going along, I was sponsoring, I was doing all these things and here comes June 18th of 2015 and I was looking for loopholes and I was blind to it. I didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late. 

“This isn't really pornography. This isn't really acting out,” until it was, all of a sudden, it happened, kind of like what the person from Lithuania asked. You know I'm going to be looking, I need to identify lust as the core, or I'm going to run riot. And I can't remember exactly how he worded that, but that's how it happened. 

And all of a sudden I realized for sure at that point, I was like, “Oh, I have got to be really aware of these justifications, of seeking these loopholes because it chases me quickly. [00:10:00] And gratefully one day at a time, I've been sober since June 19th of 2015.

And it's a miracle one day at a time. And hopefully I maintain that vigilance of not trying to find loopholes. 

Tara: Thank you for sharing that. Well, and I was just thinking that in our early episodes, we did a Q &  A titled, “Should we call it an addiction?” And I think that would be a great one for our listeners to go back to where we talk more about what are the benefits of calling this an addiction versus something else.

But I think one of the questions that I posed in that Q & A, and we'll leave our listeners with this thought is, “What are the fruits of this behavior?” And that can apply to all of us, in our different stuff that we're working through and in our, whether it be in recovery work or any other challenge we're facing in our life.

What are the fruits of this thought behavior pattern in my life? And if it's bringing good fruit, then you know you're on the right track. Otherwise, do something different to get better [00:11:00] results. So thank you to our friend in Lithuania. We hope that that answered your question. And if you have questions for us, please send them our way.

You can go to salifeline.org and find our contact page and we will do our best to respond. But thanks so much, Justin. Appreciate you. And thank you to our listeners. We'll catch you next time.

 [00:12:00]