Q&A - Is relapse a part of recovery?

In this episode, hosts Tara McCausland and Justin B. discuss the concept of relapse in the context of recovery from sexual addiction. The main discussion revolves around whether relapse is part of recovery, differentiating between terms like lapse and relapse, and emphasizing the importance of rigorous honesty and a recovery mindset for long-term recovery. They also address the partner's perspective on dealing with relapse and the importance of having a relapse preparedness plan in place for safety. Throughout, they highlight the necessity of continuous and honest recovery efforts for sustainable recovery.

Register for the 2024 S.A. Lifeline Conference.
Learn more about our conference sponsor - Circles of Grace.
Check out Dr. Jill Manning's Relapse Preparedness Plan download.

00:00 Introduction and Announcements
00:21 Upcoming SA Lifeline Virtual Conference
01:56 Q&A: Is Relapse a Part of Recovery?
02:58 Defining Lapse vs. Relapse
04:11 The Importance of Rigorous Honesty
08:52 White Knuckle Sobriety vs. Positive Sobriety
12:04 Relapse Preparedness for Betrayed Partners
15:36 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Chapters

• 0:00 In troduction and Announcements
• 2:32 Q&A: Is Relapse a Part of Recovery?
• 3:34 Defining Lapse vs. Relapse
• 4:47 The Importance of Rigorous Honesty
• 9:28 White Knuckle Sobriety vs. Positive Sobriety
• 12:40 Relapse Preparedness for Betrayed Partners
• 16:12 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Q&A - Is relapse a part of recovery?

Introduction and Announcements

Tara: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery podcast. I am one of your hosts, Tara McCausland, and I have here with me my wonderful co host, Justin B. Good to see you, Justin. 

Justin: Hey, Tara. Good to see you too. It's been a little bit, glad to be back together. 

Tara: Before we set off with this, I think, helpful Q & A, which I think people will be interested in hearing, we have just one announcement.

Upcoming SA Lifeline Virtual Conference

Tara: We're excited about our upcoming. SA [00:01:00] Lifeline virtual conference. It will be held September 26th through the 28th. On those three days, we'll be covering unwanted sexual behavior, betrayal trauma, and healing families and couples. Just for your information, here are a couple of the breakout sessions that you may not have heard about yet. 

I'm excited that we have Ray Emerson and she'll be talking about “Alone in the Aftermath: Healing from betrayal when your relationship doesn't survive.” So I know that there are a lot of people in this camp where their relationship doesn't survive. How can they move forward with integrity and hope and build a beautiful life for themselves, despite the fact that their marriage has failed?

Another interesting breakout that I think people will be eager to hear is on our family day with Jessica Idins. And she'll be talking about “After the Disclosure, a guide towards family health.” And I know, Justin, that one of the biggest questions that I often get asked is “What about the kids? What about the family and the fallout there?”

And so I think that that will [00:02:00] be of great interest to a lot of people, a lot of you. So we hope that you'll go to salifeline.org and register. There are scholarships available. If you can't hack it financially, we want to make this possible for all people to join us. 

We also want to give a shout out to our sponsors of the 2024 SA Lifeline Conference, Circles of Grace. We're so grateful for their support and grateful for the good work they are doing in helping heal individuals and families from the effects of betrayal trauma, and sexual addiction. 

Justin: Super cool. Thank you, Circles of Grace.

Q&A: Is Relapse a Part of Recovery?

Tara: Okay. So for our Q & A today we are talking about the question, “Is relapse a part of recovery?” And Justin, what are your initial thoughts about that question? 

Justin: You know, I've heard people talk about this and most people that say relapse is part of recovery seem to be people who aren't sober. People that I've heard who have long term [00:03:00] sobriety say relapse is not part of recovery. Relapse is part of addiction. 

And that seems to be closer to what my take is on it. Although I recognize that in getting into recovery, relapse often happens until I am willing to be rigorously honest, until I'm ready and willing to give my will and my life over to the care of the God of my understanding.

Tara: Yeah, so I like that. So relapse isn't a part of recovery, but it's part of addiction. We might draw your attention back to a previous episode that we did. 

Defining Lapse vs. Relapse

Tara: It was a Q & A where we defined what a slip, a lapse, and a relapse is according to SA Lifeline and SAL 12 Step. And so we might direct you to that Q & A because it's really important, actually to know what we're talking about, because some people have different ideas of what those terms mean. But would you be able to paraphrase the difference between a lapse versus a relapse, Justin? 

Justin: Yeah, according to the [00:04:00] SAL 12 Step definition, lapse is a choice to go outside of the definition of sobriety. For example, look at porn and or masturbate and then share that immediately with the sponsor, with the spouse, according to any boundaries that may be set up by the agreements with the spouse. Then get right back up on the path of recovery and not lapse again, not have it be a pattern of, you know, every week or every three weeks or whatever that may be. 

A relapse is crossing that boundary and lying about it and living a double life. That's not being in a recovery mindset. So that's how I would paraphrase it. Any additional thoughts on that Tara? 

The Importance of Rigorous Honesty

Tara: Well, it seems to me then that the crux of it is whether or not we choose to be honest. So often we talk about how do you know if an addict is in recovery? They're honest, humble, [00:05:00] and accountable, right?

And so even in the case where there might be a lapse, which again, we're trying to avoid and if people are lapsing on a regular basis, if something's wrong, we need to go back to the drawing board and see what bottom lines and boundaries are being crossed, what emotional issues aren't being addressed, et cetera.

But if people are willing to be honest, then they have not lost the recovery mindset. And that really is the hallmark, I believe, of recovery is this rigorous honesty piece. In fact Jill Manning, who is a member of our advisory board, says that rigorous honesty is the standard in healing work. And so if we expect to stay on the healing path, on that healing trajectory, rigorous honesty must be our code, must be the standard. 

Justin: Yeah, I agree with that. I mean, honesty, I think, is the foundation of that. Along with that needs to be [00:06:00] willingness and open mindedness, with the willingness to do whatever it takes.

And I think if I'm being honest and reporting a lapse that happens every week for years on end, there's something that I'm not willing to do. I'm still holding back my will. I'm not open minded to additional ways of looking at things. And so that kind of mars the honesty. 

I'm being honest with my spouse about the fact that I'm crossing these bottom lines again, over and over and over again. But I'm not being honest about what I'm willing to do, because I'm probably saying, yeah, “I'm willing to do whatever it takes.” I'm probably not. Thoughts on that?

Tara: Well certainly, again, if we see a pattern of lapse, then we're retaining our will in some form. We're not surrendering. We're not giving it to the God of our understanding. So again, that's going to require deeper, deeper work if lapse is constantly something we're struggling [00:07:00] with. 

But I wanted to turn our attention briefly to the SAL book on page 14 at the bottom. I think there's a helpful paragraph here. It says, “Any relapse, no matter how far apart,” again, it says relapse, “is evidence that we have slipped into an unhealthy addiction mindset. There is no relapse in a recovery mindset. From our own sad experience and the lives of our fellows, we are reminded of the high stakes in play of our progressive victory over lust. We may even white knuckle sobriety for years, but unless we are consistently working our own recovery one day at a time, we will inevitably slump back into the well worn neural pathways of a self absorbed addict mentality.” 

Does anything stand out to you there, Justin? 

Justin: Well, there's a couple of things. And I think I'm going to jump to one that's a little bit less obvious. One that's really echoing in my head right now. “But unless we are consistently working our own recovery one day at a [00:08:00] time, we will inevitably slump back into the well worn neural pathways of a self absorbed addict mentality.”

What jumps out at me is even in my recovery work, if I find what works and I check those boxes, it can become routine. I need to continue to, well step 11 says to improve my conscious contact with God. I need to continue to improve my recovery work. Oftentimes the temptation for me and for so many others that I work with is, “Hmm, I've been sober for three months, six months, a year, five years, whatever it may be, and I'm doing these things every day.”

It becomes habit. It becomes almost second nature and I'm not even thinking about it. So it becomes less effective and I need to do something different, more deep. I need to go deeper and improve that and I think that's really important. 

Now, going back to the more obvious part of this. “Any relapse, no matter [00:09:00] how far apart, is evidence that we have slipped into an unhealthy addiction mindset. There is no relapse in a recovery mindset.”

If I let up on this spiritual program of action and rest on my laurels, as it talks about in the Big Book [of Alcoholics Anonymous], I'm headed for trouble. Even if I am “sober,” even if I am checking the boxes, I can't let up on this spiritual program of action. I need to continue to improve upon it. And that's my take on that. Any additional thoughts, Tara? 

White Knuckle Sobriety vs. Positive Sobriety

Tara: Something that stood out to me was that we may even white knuckle sobriety for years. And actually Steven Kroshaw, co-founder of SA Lifeline, can speak to this very personally. He could be sober, white knuckle sober for three years at a time. And then he might have some kind of issue crop up in his life, some type of trigger, and it would throw him back into the addictive cycle. 

I recognize, even though I am not an addict, that the ditch is on either side and it can easily be [00:10:00] fallen into for someone who has dealt with addictive patterns in their lives, especially over a long period of time. And so I'm curious, how would you define white knuckle sobriety versus positive sobriety? Sometimes we talk about positive sobriety and people may not know what that means.

Justin: You know, as you were sharing that, this imagery of a gymnast on the balance beam came into mind. I, as an addict, I'm like that gymnast on a balance beam. Now at first it's totally tenuous. The “white knuckle” is me just doing the best I can to stay balanced.

Living in recovery is practicing recovery so much and realizing that guess what? Me as a gymnast, as an addict, I've got massive ropes and tethers. I'm not going to fall off if I rely on God who is holding those massive tethers. 

But if I'm white knuckling it and just focusing on “Holy cow, I have to stay on this narrow thing, the ditch on either side,” and I'm relying on myself to stay balanced, I'm going to fall off every [00:11:00] time. And that's the white knuckle is “I have to do this no matter what.”

But when I go, “You know what? Hey God, you've got me tethered in here. I can do flips and twists and whatever You're guiding me to do, and I can stay on this beam.” It suddenly goes from being, “I think it's four inches wide” to being four feet wide. And I can do all sorts of cool things on that. And that's just the imagery that popped into my head as you asked that question. I hope it's helpful. 

Tara: Yeah, I appreciate that imagery. And I might also say if people are looking for a definition, I've heard it said that white knuckle sobriety is what you're focusing on not doing. You're focusing on the behaviors and what you're not going to engage in versus positive sobriety, which is all the things you are doing. The healthy living pieces, attending meetings weekly, calling your sponsor on a regular basis, doing some step study on your own time, connecting with the God of your understanding on a regular basis. These types of things that will keep you in a recovery mindset, right? 

Justin: Yeah, I think that's really powerful. If I'm focusing all the time on what I don't [00:12:00] want to do or what is all around me, but I shouldn't be dwelling on, if I catch a glimpse of something and I just freak out about it, that's white knuckle.

If I catch a glimpse of something that is potentially triggering, and I say, “Taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it,” the line from the serenity prayer that we use. Taking this, whatever I consider to be an immodestly dressed world as it is, not as I would have it, and giving it to God and moving on, that's recovery.

But if I go, “Oh, I can't believe I just saw that,” and freak out about it, that's white knuckle. And I think that's another good way to define that. 

Tara: Thank you. 

Relapse Preparedness for Betrayed Partners

Tara: Well, on the other side of this, as we were considering relapse is the experience of the partner, right, the one that's experiencing betrayal trauma. And I think that there's a lot of fear often for partners that relapse is going to be something that keeps cropping up. Because addiction is hard to shake, it can [00:13:00] be years in the trenches of really working to change those neural pathways. And so I understand that fear. 

Again, talking about Dr. Jill Manning, who is a member of our SA Lifeline advisory board, and who, by the way, is going to be speaking at the conference. She recently posted on Instagram something about a relapse preparedness plan for betrayed partners. And I just wanted to share a little bit of this because I think that betrayed partners want tools for safety and don't want to expect relapse, but we want to be prepared for it.

So this is what she said. “While we cannot control whether someone will relapse, we can control the degree to which we are prepared if one should occur. As a result, relapse preparedness plans are an empowering aspect of betrayal trauma healing work. To help partners of addicts be prepared,” she said, “I created a relapse preparedness planning guide.” 

And so she just talks a little bit about an acronym she uses to help partners prepare, which is looking at [00:14:00] safety, at options, allies, and resources. So if you're interested in that, you can go to drjillmanning.com. We can even post a link in our show notes about that.

But I thought that was a great resource for partners because we want to be prepared. We don't want to expect it, but we want to be prepared if relapse occurs. 

Justin: Yeah. When you first proposed this to me, I kind of had a hesitation because the title that I understood was “A relapse plan.” And I was thinking, well, that's just like me expecting relapse to happen, my spouse saying, “Oh, this is going to happen. I may as well just draw something up so that I can draw lines,” and from the addict perspective, “and punish my husband for the relapse.”

Now I understand that boundaries are not set up that way. If they are even thought of that way, from either side, it becomes punitive. But it's very important to set up boundaries, very important so that if and when a boundary is crossed, there are expectations that are [00:15:00] clear on both sides. So that when a reaction happens, it can be understood, “Hey, this was what was laid out previously.” I think it can be very helpful to have those boundaries in place and clearly defined for all parties involved.

One thing that my wife does that is extremely helpful, I think, and it's something that did not happen early in our addiction and recovery life. But it is when a boundary is crossed by me, whether that be a black and white definition of sobriety, or whether it be other boundaries that are not a black and white definition of sobriety. When I come and I talk to her about whatever it may be that I'm struggling with, her response has become, “I love you. I'm not your sponsor. I'm not your higher power. Talk to them and figure out what you need to do there.”

And the first time she said that to me, initially it was like a shot through the heart of, “Oh, crud.” And now it's more of a, “You [00:16:00] know what? She is in a very healthy place where what happens here is much less likely to affect her serenity and her connection with her higher power.” And I think that's been a really powerful way of approaching things.

 Tara: Yeah. Thank you. 

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Tara: Well, maybe to wrap up, we recognize that this can be tricky. We again draw your attention back to that original Q & A talking about slip, lapse and relapse. I think knowing how we define these things first is helpful. And recognizing what a recovery mindset looks and feels like. And it really starts with this rigorous honesty piece and this willing heart. 

Thank you to our listeners for joining us on this Q & A, and we will catch you next time. [00:17:00]