Q&A - What are some barriers to working Step 4 and how do I overcome them?

In this episode, hosts Tara McCausland and Justin B. discuss the challenges and significance of Step Four in the recovery process. The hosts elaborate on the fears and barriers associated with Step Four, emphasizing the need for trust in God, honesty, time, and support from sponsors and group members. They address the added complexities for betrayed partners dealing with acute trauma and discuss the need for individuals and groups to acknowledge the trauma and provide space and time for partners to achieve adequate safety and stability before proceeding with step 4 work. The episode concludes with insights on embracing pain as a necessary step towards progress and healing.

00:00 Introduction and Conference Announcement Click here to learn more about our conference sponsor, Circles of Grace.
01:49 Understanding Step Four
05:05 Personal Experiences with Step Four
08:52 Support Systems in Step Four
12:45 Addressing Betrayed Partners
20:05 The Role of Pain in Recovery
22:26 Encouragement and Final Thoughts

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Conference Announcement
• 1:49 Understanding Step Four
• 5:05 Personal Experiences with Step Four
• 8:52 Support Systems in Step Four
• 12:45 Addressing Betrayed Partners
• 20:05 The Role of Pain in Recovery
• 22:26 Encouragement and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Q&A - What are some barriers to working Step 4 and how can I overcome them?

Introduction and Conference Announcement

Tara: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery podcast. I'm your host Tara McCausland and welcome Justin B, my co host. 

Justin: Hey Tara, I'm happy to be here. 

Tara: Yeah, good to see you. Before we get started, registration is still open for our 2024 SA Lifeline virtual conference. We're so excited to have 15 presenters for this conference. First day, we're talking about unwanted sexual behavior. We're also going to have a [00:01:00] panel of men recovering from sexual addiction at the end of that day.

Second day is all about betrayal trauma. And then I will also have a women's panel at the end of that day. And the third day, which I'm so excited for, is all about healing couples and families. I'm excited to hear from our  panelists and our headliners. But also we'll have a couples’ panel and two live Q and A's, which I think you'll really want to take advantage of with our experts that are presenting at this event.

There are still scholarships available if you'd like to apply for one of those. You can see the full agenda at salifeline.org., see the presenters, their presentation titles. You won't want to miss it. 

And just a shout out to our sponsor for the conference, Circles of Grace. We'll put a link for their website in the show notes. Thanks to Circles of Grace and for the great work that they are doing in the field of sexual addiction and betrayal trauma.

Understanding Step Four

Tara: So today we're discussing what are some barriers in doing step four and how do I overcome them? Maybe before we jump into that, Justin, what is step [00:02:00] four? 

Justin: So step four reads “Made a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves.” And step four is when many people come into the program. This is where the line between talking about recovery and really doing the work of recovery really starts happening and it's a scary place for a lot of people.

Tara: Yeah, especially for those who are really new to the program. From the women's perspective, from a betrayed partner's perspective, this might be like, “I'm a victim here. What are you talking about that I need to come in and fix me?” And we'll get into that in a moment. But for a man dealing with addictive behaviors, what might be the initial response to step four?

Justin: Yeah, I loved the conversation we had with Bill K on this last episode about step four. He related his life to an old pickup truck that burned oil and that he did not want to look under the hood. He wanted to live in denial that there was a problem and not look at it square in the face, [00:03:00] with the hopes that it just continued to work and run and move forward in a good enough fashion to where he could get to where he needed to go.

And that is a great description. At least I, as an addict, didn't want to look at myself through a clear mirror because the image coming back was just too scary for me. 

Tara: Yeah. So when we first started our conversation around the steps, you had actually segmented the steps into three parts.

And so this is kind of our initiation into the second segment of the steps. Do you want to just give us a little review on that? 

Justin: Yeah, I'd love to. So how it was explained to me by one of my mentors in recovery is that steps one through three, are the connection steps. They're where I connect with God, with myself, and with others. 

Step four through nine are the correction steps. It's where I'm trying to make things right that I have contributed to going wrong in my [00:04:00] life. I'm identifying them. I'm confessing them. I'm looking at my character defects and trying to be willing to give those to God. And then I'm trying to make things right in steps eight and nine with my fellows.

And then steps 10 through 12 are the direction steps, where I'm seeking direction from God and putting that into action in my day to day life. 

Tara: Yeah, thank you so much. I think we all recognize none of us like to look at ourselves and be that honest. This is a hard step to take. 

But I think you're right. This is the difference between people who are willing to talk about doing the steps and people who are actually willing to dig in and really see the gifts of the program. But we want to empathize with you as someone who may be struggling with betrayal trauma or sexual addiction, that this is a hard step.

We do know, however, that pain is the pathway to progress and this is painful. But this is what will give you the ability to move beyond where you are and really see the [00:05:00] progress that you've been seeking personally and, I think, in your relationships with others and with God. 

Personal Experiences with Step Four

Tara: Let's first address those who are struggling with addictive behaviors. So Justin, I know you've really worked this step hard. Personally, you've worked with sponsees, you've been working in a group setting for many, many years. 

Maybe start off first with yourself. What were some of your fears or barriers in starting step four and how did you overcome them? 

Justin: Yeah. And I don't know if I can say I overcame them. I can say I work through them, embracing them or, you know, just brushing against them as I work through them is a good way to put it.

And it's not that step four in and of itself is super scary if I look at it through recovered eyes. But as I look at it through addicted eyes, it is so scary. So basically what it is is I'm taking all of my negative emotions, my resentments, and I'm identifying them. And then I’m saying, “Well, where [00:06:00] was I wrong in this?”

I'm taking my fears and identifying them. And I'm saying, “Where was I wrong?” Or “Where was I lacking in faith in my higher power and the God of my understanding? Where did I miss that? Where was I trying to rely on self in order to get through things?” And I was really afraid.

And then I look at the harms that I've done to others, whether it's directly related to my addiction or not. I'm looking at all those harms where I have caused harm, pain, discomfort, feelings of betrayal, whatever, with others, and I'm identifying where I was wrong, not where they were wrong. 

And it's a really scary thing to go at if I'm looking at it from an addict's eyes because one, I don't want to admit that I have these issues. I remember the first time with fears, and I may have shared this before, I have no fears. I told my sponsor, “I am not afraid of anything. I have short man syndrome. I will stand up to anyone, anywhere, anytime, and I will not back down.” Man, as I look at it now, I am [00:07:00] full of fear and that was one of the big fears is admitting that I had fears.

And I think honesty is a big block there. Step one, we try to get into honesty, but I don't want to admit that I am a flawed human being. So I think that one of the big things for me is getting honest and being able and willing to see myself clearly. Does that make sense? 

Tara: I think we often hear that acceptance is the first step to change, right? That we have to be able to see things as they really are and accept them in order to move forward. But it’s painful to make that admission. So as you've worked with sponsees, what are some of the other rationalizations or justifications or things that come up about why I can't do this?

Justin: Well, a lot of it is time, because if I'm doing a thorough and searching and honest inventory of myself, it's going to take some time. It's not something that I can breeze through in an hour. [00:08:00] Typically, and I'm not going to say everybody is this way, but typically this is like a month's worth of hours, an hour a day of work, doing a thorough and, and searching and on step four. 

It's going to take a long time of writing, analyzing a lot, a lot of prayer saying, “God, is there more? What am I missing?” [I’m] trying to have light shone on all of the dark corners of the self. And with that, the self is trying to keep shadows on them so I can't see them clearly.

Because the self doesn't want to admit, “Hey, there's a mess there.” And in order for that mess to get cleaned up, that means that I have to back off and let God in and let my sponsor in and let someone else in. So those are some of the things that I see as obstacles 

Tara: Yeah.

Support Systems in Step Four

Tara: How do you see a sponsor and other group members supporting an individual in doing this step work? 

Justin: Yeah, I think that's a [00:09:00] great question. I think it's a two part question. I'm only going to hit on the sponsor first and then I'll go to the group members because it's totally different.

A sponsor is there to shine additional light, to help make sure the sponsee is being honest. And the sponsor should be, I think, kept abreast of the progress the sponsee is making throughout that month or whatever that time frame is. So every day or a couple times a week saying, “Hey, send me everything you've got done so I can put my eyes on it and see where it's going.”

A phrase I hear people say is, “It takes two to see one,” because if I'm just doing it myself, I am so blind to myself. I am blind to the truth. I need to have somebody else going, “Hmm, I see you wrote this. Let's put a little bit more light on it. Let's go a little deeper. Let's get honest.” So I think that the sponsor's role is to shine additional light on the life of the sponsee.

I think the group's role in this [is different] because the group is not going to [00:10:00] see or hear this person's step four. Step five is we admit to ourselves, to God, and to one other human being, which is typically our sponsor. I don't go through my inventory with my wife. I don't go through my inventory with my group. Now I can share individual things, but I'm not doing that whole inventory.

So the group's role is to provide encouragement by saying, “Hey, I didn't die. You're not going to die. If you have a question, call me. I'm going to put my arm around you and we're going to walk forward,” and just provide that encouragement and the cheerleading. So that's how I see those two entities in this process.

Tara: Maybe the final question is, we're still talking about those struggling with addiction. How did you bring God into that process, the God of your understanding? And how did that help? 

Justin: Yeah, so step four follows step three for a reason. Step four is me putting into action my step [00:11:00] three decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God.

And it's a huge test of faith to say, “Okay God, I'm yours. Carry me through this because this is super scary.” So it's vital for me, one, to practice my step three in that process, and two, to trust that God will carry me through. I think that, and this is me making a generalization, but I think it's pretty accurate.

I think that most people that don't finish their step four, it's a step three issue. I don't trust God. I need to go back and trust God so that I can address these things. The excuse of “I don't have enough time,” the excuse of, “This is making me feel bad about myself.” There's another one that I missed. It's making me feel bad about myself. Well, okay. Let’s not go to shame, but let's look at things honestly and see where I need to change so I don't feel bad about myself. So [00:12:00] I hope that answers that question. 

Tara: I think oftentimes we don't want to see our whole self because we're afraid of what we're going to find. If we haven't really worked steps one through three, then we may then think whatever I find, if, you know if it's too scary, if it's too dark, then maybe I'm not lovable. Maybe I am not enough. Maybe I am irreparable, so to speak, right? And so I think that, yeah, if you've really done your steps one through three and you lean into that trust in a God that you may still not fully know or understand, none of us do, but trust that he'll bring you through this thing. That's so key. So I appreciate you bringing that up. 

Addressing Betrayed Partners

Tara: So I wanted to address the betrayed partner. Now, this gets tricky because first let's talk about the barrier of trauma itself. Not all betrayed partners experience trauma, but the stats say that upwards of [00:13:00] 70 percent do experience betrayal trauma as a result of their partner's hidden addictive behaviors. 

So what is trauma? Well, I'm not an expert, but it really does injure the brain. And if you'd like to go back and listen to the episode with Kaylee Dunn or Jake Porter and consider step work then for the partner with that lens, because someone in acute trauma can't even access the parts of the brain that are required to do this kind of rigorous work.

They're in fight or flight mode. And so my heart really goes out to a newcomer who steps into a room of recovery and they're on step four and this person's like, “I've been victimized. I've been hurt by my spouse. Why in the world am I being asked to do this kind of work?”

So I like to liken it to being hit by a car or like being hit while you're driving. And Roy Kim and Jill Manning also use this metaphor, which I think is [00:14:00] helpful for betrayed partners. So, imagine you've been hit through no fault of your own. You were injured by someone else's dangerous driving and you have several broken bones and you're hospitalized for several weeks so that your body can stabilize and get some strength back. 

So again, this wasn't your fault. But it doesn't absolve you of having to eventually do the rigorous physical therapy to get back to full function, to be able to walk again, right? 

So for a betrayed partner, if you imagine a betrayal trauma injury to the brain, you might have to wait for your body and your brain to heal a bit and to get enough safety in order to start doing step four work and beyond. And so I've heard some people say, “I work steps one through three on repeat until I feel safe enough and stable enough and able to really do it, move in this direction because it's challenging.” Did you have any comments on that? 

Justin: I think the comment that [00:15:00] I have, I'm going to take it from the addict’s perspective and invite the betrayed to try and put themselves in these shoes because I think they're similar. But I would never make the assumption that this is how you feel.

Many addicts, myself included, underwent a very traumatic experience in their youth, and I can point to one when I was 10, maybe 11 years old, that cemented my addiction. And I was a victim in that instance. I was powerless over the thing that happened to me. And that trauma, while I can't blame everything on that, that's where my addiction did cement.

And I didn't seek help. I didn't seek anything at that point. I just put my head in the sand and went through life, all of a sudden becoming a wrecking ball to those around me. Now as I did my step four on that event, I had to look at where was I wrong? Was I wrong when I was 10 or 11 and that happened to me? I can't say that I [00:16:00] was. I can't point a finger at, “Hey, I was wrong there.” Where was I wrong? What do I need to fix? I need to fix all of those relationships that stemmed from that, that I perpetuated this from there.

So I can't own that one instance, but I can own everything that I did after that, that hurt others because of the way I responded from that situation. And so what I'm trying to say here is that you who are a betrayed partner, perhaps there was nothing that you did wrong, to experience the initial betrayal trauma. But what are you perpetuating from that point on that you do have responsibility in moving forward? 

So that’s my thoughts on that. I know it's a very sensitive area and there's going to be people that might say, “No, you don't understand.” And I may not, but that's my thoughts and my experience on it.

Tara: Yeah, I appreciate you bringing up the trauma for those struggling with addiction because it is often trauma that is the precursor for addictive behaviors. That's an important point to bring up. 

I think when [00:17:00] we're considering the experience of the betrayed partner, we're talking about acute, fresh trauma that can make the working of the steps really challenging initially. Because again, if the brain doesn't have the safety and stability we need for the brain to be online in order to do some of this hard work. Where there is acute, fresh trauma, they are going to have some limitations in their ability to do some of this work. 

But again, I think Jill Madden does a really good job of talking about how we all have work to do. And just because it was the actions and behaviors of others that initially brought you into the rooms of recovery, to therapy, there's still work to be done. So I think recognizing that trauma is going to be a barrier for some. We can be sensitive to ourselves and acknowledge the injury, acknowledge the limitations.

How a group might help is if they have a newcomer and they're going over step four, then group members can help a newcomer understand that the ultimate goal is to [00:18:00] start working these corrective steps, but it may not be the time for them yet. They need to be patient with themselves. Healing is a journey and as they start this process, [they need] to take it slowly and again, be cognizant of where people are on their healing path.

Justin: Right. 

Tara: And I also just wanted to, because of my experience as the daughter of an addict and also watching my mom work through some of this stuff, you know, she wrote a book, What Can I Do About Me? And she really has emphasized that things didn't really start to change for her until she started looking at herself. 

When you hear her talk, she recognized that she was doing things that were contributing, that were maybe enabling or causing some resentment in the relationship that were kind of fueling the fire of addiction. There were things she could do differently so that it did help shift some of the dynamics. 

So I would encourage people to look at her book, What Can I Do About Me? You can find it on salifeline.org and [00:19:00] hear her journey of trying to fix my father to essentially surrendering him and then looking at herself. And that's when things started changing. So if one of your barriers is, “This isn't my stuff,”  I might encourage you to talk to other women who have worked the program for a while and you'll find out that there is a lot of empowerment in looking at ourselves. And step four is the beginning of that. Painful as it is. 

Justin: I think what you shared there about your mom, Rhyll, and her recognizing those things, it's such sensitive ground to trot on there, you know? But I'll speak from experience with my wife and when she did a thorough and searching and honest step four on herself, which was way before I ever did one on myself, her healing accelerated massively. And that was one of the things that made me go, “I think I want what she has,” [00:20:00] and eventually [got me] started working on recovery.

Tara: I think it's a very powerful point that you made there.

The Role of Pain in Recovery

Tara: So to end, in our SAL book, page 89, there is a great reading about accepting pain as a pathway to progress. Because as we were talking at the beginning of this, this is painful. It's hard to see ourselves, all the good, all the bad and be able to move through that in a positive way.

But I believe that truth and awareness really is our starting point to true healing. So I just wanted to read, maybe I'll read this first paragraph and then you can read the second, Justin. 

“Before coming to recovery, we may have spent much of our lives trying to avoid pain. Our identities may have been built upon pursuing success, achievement and titles, power, and we felt worthy when validated by others or through attaining financial security. We likely worked hard to avoid conflict and maintain outward appearances. We were content skating on the surface of [00:21:00] life. We became efficient at burying the deep longings of our hearts. But when rock bottom shattered our facades, these longings demanded to be heard.” 

Justin: The next paragraph reads: “We come to recovery to find healing and soon learn that, applying the principles of the recovery puzzle. It means consciously digging into pain we have unconsciously been running from. Additionally, 12 step work and qualified therapy begin to uncover our character defects, especially those related to our addiction or trauma. We become aware of our pain avoiding behaviors and the belief systems that fuel them. Although this may initially feel painful, and discouraging, we quickly find hope that the God of our understanding can remove this heavy burden with our permission. We come to realize how desperate our previous pursuits have been. We learn that in order to heal, we must stop avoiding our pain.”

And I want to kind of summarize that last paragraph in two [00:22:00] phrases real quick. If life is easy, if recovery is easy, I'm doing something wrong. If I am uncomfortable, I'm likely doing it right. So I need to step into the uncomfort, embrace the, as the Navy SEALs say and it’s a little bit crude, “embrace the suck,” because that's where growth happens. That's where recovery happens. 

Encouragement and Final Thoughts

Tara: Yeah, so, to our listeners we encourage you, if you are on this trajectory of healing and you're kind of stuck at step three, don't be afraid. I wanted to maybe even just share this quote for our Harry Potter fans that are listening. If you recall an interaction between Harry and his godfather, Sirius Black, and at this point in the story, Harry is really concerned about some of the things that are happening to him. Some of the feelings he's experiencing within himself. 

And he's explaining this to Sirius and Sirius says to him, “We've [00:23:00] all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.”

So if we can embrace the fact that we all have the light and the darkness and step four will help us see the bright spots, the dark spots and accept them and then I believe we can embrace the light and move forward in a positive way. 

Justin: I love that quote. And it brings to mind another quote of somebody in a different genre. Alexander Solzhenitsyn wrote the Gulag Archipelago about being a prisoner in the Soviet Gulags. And he wrote this phrase that really speaks to me. 

“The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either - but right through every human heart- and through all human hearts. The line shifts inside us. It oscillates with the years. And even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained.”

And I think it's so vital to look at [00:24:00] that. Even if I think I'm just this evil person, there is a sliver of good that if looked at and with light shown on it, will overwhelm the evil and that heart can become good.

Tara: Awesome. With that, thank you to our listeners for being here with us. We'll catch you next time. [00:25:00]